It’s been almost two years since we launched the Teenology 101 blog in May of 2011. And we’re proud to announce that, due to our efforts, teenagers no longer have any problems at all.
The CDC, WHO, and United Nations will be presenting the Teenology 101 authors with their highest accolades in the coming months. “We cannot thank Teenology 101 enough,” said Ban Ki-Moon, the secretary general of the United States. “There are literally no teenagers in existence with any problems whatsoever, and that’s all due to the Teenology 101 blog.”
Seattle’s local teens are celebrating with an ice cream social, during which they will compare homework tips, discuss ways to improve their communities, and share a lighthearted competition over whose parents are the most wonderful. “I’m really looking forward to the party, although I’ll only attend if I’ve studied enough for upcoming tests, cleaned my room, and helped my parents with all the chores around the house,” said Janet Smith, a 15-year-old from the Ballard area. When her cell phone buzzed, she said, “Oh, I’m sorry, what a rude interruption,” and continued talking politely to interviewers for 20 more minutes.
The entertainment industry is reeling. “Teens just don’t seem to care about movie stars anymore,” said Kendra Jeilertsen, a representative from Seventeen Magazine. “We’re getting all these requests for articles about recycling, good hygiene, and finding quality higher education. Our staff authors aren’t quite sure what to do.” Movies slated for production include “The Perks of Being A Contributing Family Member“, “Jennifer’s Body Is Not As Important As Her Mind,” and “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Responsible Internet Use“.
“I went to get a bagel at a deli and nobody cared that I was there,” said “Twilight” star Kristen Stewart in another interview. “I just went in, got my bagel, and left. A group of teenagers recognized me, so they nodded politely and went back to their conversation. It was great.”
Clothing manufacturers are also running into problems. “These clothes are so inappropriate!” exclaimed 13-year-old Shanna Talvers at a local Hot Topic, throwing a pile of shirts into a heap. “I can’t believe that anyone would think it’s appropriate for a girl my age to show her midriff. Not only am I too young for such provocative clothes, but it might be distracting for others at my school, or cause older men to look at me as a potential dating partner!” Clothing companies are rushing to produce well-fitting but modest teen clothes in a range of bright, cheerful colors.
Our next effort will be “Extraterrestial Adolescence 101”. We will be partnering with NASA in order to send out blog signals uniquely attuned to possible alien life forms that might experience adolescence. Once contact is made, we will be boarding a special satellite that will allow us to beam out blog signals to targets many light-years away.
In the unlikely event that an Earth teenager ever has a problem again, “Teenology 101” will begun publishing posts once more. Thank you for your readership!
(We wish! Happy April Fool’s Day!)